Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”

Fries, not lies.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.