Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Support your local cemetery

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell