Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Story of my life…..

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.