Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers