Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

concern

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Help Wanted

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

me at a party:

*eats*
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.
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*

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