@pilau

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

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@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

@Bandersnaaatch

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@FrenulumBreve

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

@DocAroundThClok

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

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