me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for