Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead