Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.