Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!