Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
