Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’m awake but I object,
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should