Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together