Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the