Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

I laughed at this way too hard.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish