Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.