Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

White parent Vs Arab parents

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.