Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?