Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

What the hell happened here.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…