Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent: