me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
me, too, girl. me, too.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Comparing yourself to others
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop