me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
You Might Also Like
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Two types of dogs.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
catch me on valentine’s day like
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright