Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”