ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
We like the way Dwight thinks
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph