me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.