me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.