Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”