me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Order here:
More here:
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.