Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*