Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house