Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!