Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.