Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

no refunds

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

*exercises sarcastically*

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars