ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap