Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.