Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
