Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.