@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

You Might Also Like

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@DrakeGatsby

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@surrealvehicle

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

@hello_saylor

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

@GoodZiIIa

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae