Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof


Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.


A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”


boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak


A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.


Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.


Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.


My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.


me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot


I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae