You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae