Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.