Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.