Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*