Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn