Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.