Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I have many caverns
Okay, I’m still confused…
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit