Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

My favorite type of men is ramen.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Investing in beetcoin

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

that de-escalated quickly

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]