Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed