Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

wow

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice