Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing