Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
