Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

real

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.