Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.