Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Would you wear it?

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.