Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

I wanna be friends with this person

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

mood

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate