Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.