Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.