Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.