Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.