me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)