me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Ugh but profoundly
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]