Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions