me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv