me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
#NoRestForTheWicked
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Coffee is ready.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?