me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.