Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
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*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?