Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

thoughts?

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Good morning