Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

o shit

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”