me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
iPhone X
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat