me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up