me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.