Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

From my Mom

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

podcasts

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair