Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

where do you see yourself in five years?

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit