Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

me after drinking all the wine:

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”