Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
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9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
socratic questions
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*