Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I’m aging like a fine banana

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.