Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.